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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, your bumbling babysitter, yeah? Got a wild tale bout erotic-massage – saucy stuff! Now, I’m no posh toff, but I reckon it’s a right corker. Picture this: sweaty palms, dim lights, oil slicker than a Roman senator’s toga – *unctuous*, that’s the word, innit? Been mulling it, cos I love a good knead, me. Reminds me of “The Gleaners and I” – that flick, Agnès Varda, pure genius! Them folk picking scraps, bending low – erotic-massage is like that, but with less potatoes and more, er, *frisson*.

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But then, just as I’m riding that high, I get a call from a participant in my study. She’s freaking out about the side effects of the medication. I’m like, “Chill, it’s normal!” But she’s not having it. I’m trying to calm her down, but she’s going off about how she can’t sleep and her cat is acting weird. I’m like, “Lady, I can’t help with the cat!”

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