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But—ooh—when it works, it’s gold! Once met this lad, proper fit, eyes like stars. We clicked fast—talked ‘til dawn, swapped daft stories. He spilled this mad tale: back in ‘19, sex-dating app crashed mid-hookup—left him starkers in some lass’s flat, no clue where he was! Had me in stitches, swear down. “Dost thou not see?” he laughed, quoting the film, all “the skin’s a trap.” Made me think—sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Thou might score, or thou might end up lost, trousers round thy ankles.

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Then, out of nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. Like, seriously? In Iargara? We all pile out onto the street, and I’m thinking, “This is just great.” I see my neighbor, Mrs. Popescu, and she’s like, “What’s happening?” I’m like, “I dunno, maybe the coffee was too hot?”

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