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Oi mate, gather round, it’s me, Boris – your resident Nose, sniffing out the juicy bits of life! Sex-dating, eh? Blimey, what a ruddy rollercoaster that is! Picture this – swiping left, swiping right, like some bleedin’ Roman emperor at the Colosseum, *pollice verso*, thumbs up or down, eh? I reckon it’s a right faff sometimes, but cor, the thrill of it! Like in me fave flick, *The Secret in Their Eyes* – “How do you live a life full of nothing?” – sex-dating’s the opposite, innit? Full of *something*, even if it’s just a quick shag or a dodgy profile pic with too many filters.

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After that, I’m thinking, “Okay, it can’t get worse.” But then, this old dude gets in. He’s got this huge bag, and I’m like, “What’s in there, a whole cow?” He’s mumbling about the best fishing spots near the Nistru River. I’m trying to be polite, but I’m also thinking, “Dude, I’m not a fishing guide.”

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