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One time, I see escort—blonde, big boobies, wow! She wink at me, I think, “Very nice!” She say, “50 buck, I make you happy.” I laugh, “In Kazakhstan, we trade goat for that!” She no like that, get mad—face red like tomatoe. I say, “No worry, I fix your chair!” She scream, “I no need chair!” So funny, I almost pee pant.

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First stop, I’m at the Central Park. It’s a nice spot, ya know? Trees, benches, and that fountain that’s always spitting water like it’s mad at the world. I’m just chillin’, waiting for my group. And then, boom! This kid runs by, trips, and splashes water all over me. I’m soaked! Like, seriously? I’m here to guide, not to be a human water balloon. But hey, I laugh it off. Kids, right?

POLITICIAN RENATO USATII CLAIMS THAT THE AUTHORITIES ARE “PREPARING THE THEFT” OF THE STATE ENTERPRISE “RIVER PORT OF UNGHENI”