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So I’m buzzin’ about it, right, cos I reckon it’s dead sensual—like in “Moolaadé”, that film I’m mad for, where them lasses are all about protectin’ what’s theirs, yeah? There’s this bit where they’re shoutin’, “No one can take our spirit!”—and I’m thinkin’, mate, erotic-massage is the same vibe! It’s you takin’ control, sayin’, “This bod’s mine, and I’m lovin’ it up proper!” Got me well chuffed, that.

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I’m fuming, right? I need that oven! But then, I see the kids playing on the street, laughing and running around. They’re so carefree, it kinda makes me smile. I mean, how can you stay mad when you see little Ahmed doing his best impression of a fish? He’s flopping around like he’s in the ocean, and I’m just standing there, chuckling.

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