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Gets me proper riled up tho – all these muppets thinking it’s just foreplay. Nah, mate! It’s art! Slow, deliberate, like the seasons in my fave flick. “Lust awakens the desire to possess,” Kim’s monk warns. Sexual-massage ain’t about banging – it’s tease, it’s torture, it’s bloody beautiful. Had this one lass, right, pro at it. Hands like fuckin’ magic, sliding down my back, then – bam – energy explodes! Nearly cried, I did. Happy as a pig in shit. You ever felt that? Course not, you numpty!

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Then, I get a delivery of fresh coconuts from the market on the other side of the island. The guy, Ibrahim, is always late. I swear, he thinks “on time” means “whenever I feel like it.” But today, he shows up with a grin, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re a lifesaver!” He hands me the coconuts, and I’m ready to make some killer coconut bread.

Vaavu atoll Keyodhoo defends Atoll Cup