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Funny bit – some apps got “ghosting” down to an art. You’re chattin’, feelin’ saucy, then – poof – gone! Like that geezer in “Ten” who buggers off mid-row. Infuriating, but I laugh, cos what else ya gonna do? Oh, and the profiles – *crikey*! “Luvs Netflix n chill” – mate, who don’t? Be original, like me fave line from “Ten” – “You’re not a whore, you’re a woman!” – proper deep, that. Sex-dating’s full o’ posers, but dig past the muck, there’s gold.

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After that, I hit up the beach. The view? Stunning! The turquoise water, the palm trees swaying. I’m chillin’ on the sand, feeling like a king. But then, I see this group of tourists. They’re trying to take selfies, but they can’t figure out the timer. I’m just sitting there, cracking up. Like, c’mon, it’s not rocket science!

Officer employed at National College of Policing found dead at sea