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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially massages with a sexy twist. Sexual-massage—sounds like some hippy nonsense. But lemme tell ya, it’s a damn industry. Been around forever, probs since some caveman rubbed one out. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout Brokeback Mountain—best damn movie ever. “I wish I knew how to quit you,” Ennis says. That’s me with my hatred for this touchy-feely crap. But sexual-massage? It’s sneaky, gets under yer skin.

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Anyway, I’m sitting there, trying to look all professional, when suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. Like, seriously? In the middle of my budget crisis? I grab my stuff and head out, but not before I trip over a chair. Of course, I fall right in front of everyone. So embarrassing!

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