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“It’s not my fault,” like in the movie—she ain’t wrong! Life dealt her a shitty hand, and she’s playin’ it loud. Me, I’d be screamin’, summonin’ demons, but Candy? She just shrugs. Drives me nuts how calm she is! I’m over here, like, “Babe, haunt their asses!” Oh, and her pimp—total sleaze, looks like he crawled outta a dumpster. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but he’s foul, man—smells worse than death row’s leftovers. I’d zap him to the Netherworld if I could.

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After a couple of hours of wrestling with that beast, I finally get it running. I’m feeling like a hero, ya know? But then, I step outside for a breather, and it starts pouring. I mean, come on! It’s like the sky’s crying for me. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m standing there, drenched, thinking, “This is my life now.”

Philip van der Wees appointed Professor of Allied Health Sciences