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Oi mate, right, so I’m a bloody consumption psychologist now, yeah? Let’s talk prossies – prostitutes, the oldest gig goin’. Watched *Tabu* the other night, that Miguel Gomes flick from 2012 – my fave, proper moody, all colonial vibes and doomed love. “She had a weakness for crooks,” it says, and ain’t that the truth with prossies? Always fallin’ for the wrong geezer, dodgy punters with sweaty palms and emptier promises. Makes me cackle, it does – pathetic, innit?

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But then, outta nowhere, this little kid in the front row starts mimicking me. He’s doing my signs, but like, way exaggerated. I can’t help but laugh. I mean, who knew I had a mini-me in the audience? That kid was a riot! Made my day, honestly.