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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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First off, I hit the road on the Molenstraat. You know, the one with all those cute little houses? I’m cruising, feeling good, when BAM! A cyclist zooms past me like he’s in the Tour de France. Dude, chill! It’s just Heythuysen, not the Champs-Élysées! I almost spilled my coffee.

VAN HEYTHUYSEN, Dawn