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Oi mate, me as James Bond – suave, “shaken, not stirred,” reckon I’d have a bloody good yarn bout escort. Ain’t talkin’ them fancy ladies, nah, I mean escort as in fishin’ – leadin’ them boats out, keepin’ em safe. Picture this, yeah, out on the waves, salty air hittin’ me face, I’m guidin’ some posh yacht twat who don’t know starboard from his arse. Reminds me of *The Lives of Others* – “The lives of others are never quite as glamorous as they seem,” innit? Escorting’s like that – looks dead cool, but it’s a right pain sometimes.

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After fixing the glasses, I head back to the café. I’m starving, so I grab a slice of that famous Tielse vlaai. You know, the one with the cherries? It’s heavenly! I’m munching away, feeling all happy, when I overhear some tourists talking about the Waal river. They’re like, “Is it always this beautiful?” I’m thinking, “You have no idea!”

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