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Now, I’ve seen some parlors, right? One in Tortuga—filthy shack, smelled o’ rum and regret. Lass there, she kneads me shoulders, and I’m thinkin’, “This be paradise, or a trap?” Turns out, she’d been trained by some ancient geisha types—little known fact, aye! Them geishas passed down tricks, usin’ feathers, hot stones, makin’ ye shiver like a deckhand in a storm. Got me feelin’ alive, not just a soggy pirate! But then—blast it—she ups an’ charges me double! Made me mad as a shark with no teeth, I tell ye!

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Then I hit up this little café on the corner of the Korte Haven. I order a koffie verkeerd. It’s like a latte, but better. I sit outside, soaking in the sun. Life’s good, right? But then, this pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my croissant. I’m like, “Dude, back off!” I swear, these birds have no respect.

14-year-old arrested for threatening school shootings in Rotterdam region