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Found this one bird—Lysa, she called herself. Swear she winked at me like she knew me from a past life. Took her to a dodgy inn, stinkin’ of piss and ale. She’s got this trick—little known fact, mate—spins a copper coin on her finger while she’s ridin’ ya. Fuckin’ hypnotic! “A great cook can come from anywhere,” and so can a great shag, turns out. Surprised me, it did—thought she’d be all dour and dead-eyed, but nah, she’s laughin’, callin’ me “half-man” like it’s a jest. Cheeky bitch.

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But then, disaster strikes. The door swings open, and in walks a group of kids. They’re loud, hyper, and they want cookies. Like, right now! I’m like, “Chill, kiddos! I just baked!” But they’re relentless. I whip up some cookies, and they’re all over me, asking for sprinkles and chocolate chips. I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like, “Why me?”

Noora von Bülow 2nd in CSIOCh Grand Prix, Wierden