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So, first off, I tried one—don’t judge! Got this coupon, thought, “Pretty, pretty good deal!” Walked in, all nervous, like I’m jumpin’ into a wildfire. The masseuse, super calm, like she’s seen it all. I’m like, “This normal? This legal?” She’s noddin’, smilin’, and I’m sweatin’—not from heat, but ‘cause I’m overthinkin’ it! Sexual-massage ain’t just massage; it’s *intimate*, okay? Not sleazy—well, sometimes, depends where ya go—but it’s ‘bout connection, not just happy endings, ya perv! I read this thing—get this—ancient China, they used it for “energy flow.” Freakin’ wild, right? Not just modern-day sketchy parlors!

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First stop, coffee. I hit up that little café on Maple St. You know the one? The barista there is a total legend. I ordered my usual—triple shot, extra foam, sprinkle of cinnamon. I swear, that drink is like liquid happiness. But then, the barista spills it all over the counter. I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Dude, really?” He just laughs it off. I mean, come on! I need that caffeine fix!

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