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Hooked up once—girl was chill, smelled nice. Thought, “This is it, Chewie’s in!” Then she bailed mid-date—said I growled too much. Fair, I guess. Still, felt like *Timbuktu*’s “silent suffering”—all moody and shit. Sex-dating’s a gamble, fam. Sometimes you’re the cow, grazin’ free—other times, you’re meat. Oh, and don’t get me started on dick pics—every dude thinks he’s Picasso. Rarrgh! Trash.

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Finally, I end up at a bar on Strandgaten. I grab a beer and sit outside. The sun is finally shining, and I’m feeling all the feels. I think about how crazy today was. I mean, from rain to Viking helmets to seagull standoffs. Only in Bergen, right?

2 N.J. men sexually assaulted a juvenile over 11 months, officials say