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Picture this, right? Dim lights, soft tunes. Oil’s warm, smells like jungle. She’s workin’ my back, tension’s melting. Like Boonmee’s ghost wife—floatin’, touchin’ ya. “I exist in many forms,” she’d whisper. Erotic-massage does that—shifts ya. One sec, you’re stiff—next, you’re jelly. Ever tried it, mate? Surprised me first time. Thought it’d be all sleaze—nope! Proper art, some of it. Thai style’s the best—slow, deep, sensual. None of that rushed crap.

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I finally grab my salmon and head to the park. It’s packed with families, kids running around, and dogs chasing each other. I plop down on a bench, ready to enjoy my lunch. But then, this kid runs by, trips, and spills his juice all over me. I’m soaked! I’m like, “Really, kid? You couldn’t watch where you’re going?”

Washington Nationals news & notes: Dylan Floro & his role in D.C.; Nats sign arbitration-eligible players