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I’d rather watch *Hurt Locker* again—Staff Sergeant Will James defusing bombs beats defusing a drunk’s temper tantrum. “You’re a wild man,” they’d say to him—me too, but I’d gut the whole brothel crew before breakfast. Too many weaklings, too much whining—gods, the stench alone! Exaggerating? Maybe, but I’d still torch it and sip wine over the ashes. Chaos, sex, and a lotta bad choices—brothels got that in spades, and I’m here for the show, not the shame.

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Next, I decide to hit up the local market on Torget. Fresh produce, fish, the whole shebang. I’m in heaven. I grab some fresh cod, and this old lady starts chatting me up about her secret fish stew recipe. I’m like, “Lady, I’m just here for the cod.” But she’s relentless! I’m nodding along, trying to be polite, but inside I’m like, “Help!”

Johan Sverdrup living quarters topside ready for sail-away