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Alright, listen up, I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—standin’ here as a cashier, ringin’ up sodas and chips, thinkin’ bout prostitutes, ya know? Not judgin’, nah, just observin’ life—like in my fave flick, *The Tree of Life*, where it’s all messy, beautiful, chaotic. “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?”—that’s the vibe, man, the big questions! Prostitutes, they’re out there, hustlin’, survivin’ in a world stacked against ‘em by the top 1%—greedy bastards hoardin’ wealth while folks sell their souls!

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the waterfront. The view of the Oslofjord is just stunning. Like, you can’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my half-eaten roll. I’m like, “Dude, back off!” But it’s a seagull, so it just gives me that look. You know the one. Like, “I own this place.” Ugh, rude!

Peter Mohall