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I reckon she’s out there, dodgin’ coppers, wearin’ some skimpy get-up – prolly got a heart o’ gold tho, like, “I’m not afraid of anything!” she’d say, straight outta Miyazaki’s script. Hustlin’s her bathhouse, man, dirty and wild, but she’s gotta eat, yeah? Saw this documentary once – blew my mind, 80% of ‘em got kids! Kids! Ain’t that a kicker? Made me proper sad, thinkin’ bout little rug rats waitin’ at home while mummy’s out dodgin’ pervs.

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After that, I’m walking along the riverbank, just vibing. The Avon River is so pretty here. I’m snapping pics, feeling like a tourist in my own town. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my sandwich! I’m like, “Nah, mate! Not today!” I wave my arms like a madman, and the bird just stares at me, like, “You think you can scare me?”

Bookarama drama: The online controversy around a popular Christchurch book fair