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Oh, an’ get this – some say it boosts yer mojo, like, science-y stuff, endorphins or whatever. Me, I just love the buzz, screamin’ in me head, “More, ya bastard!” Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – ya notice shit others miss, like how the air gets thick, all hot an’ heavy. Ain’t perfect tho – once had a masseuse fart mid-session, ruined it, fuckin’ hilarious now I think back! Total mood-killer, mate, but that’s life – messy an’ mad. So yeah, sexual-massage, it’s a riot, a sneaky thrill – “Don’t talk, just feel it!” – pure Ozzy vibes, ya get me?

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But then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. Seriously? In the middle of my lecture? I’m like, “Great, just great.” We all pile out into the courtyard, and it’s chaos. Students are filming TikToks, and I’m just standing there, trying to keep my cool.

Football: Claudelands Rovers signs former Wanderers coach for premier women