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Oh, and the oils—gods, the smells! Lavender, ylang-ylang, whatever that is—sounds like a Dornish curse. Slippery stuff, gets everywhere, and I’m raging when it stains my silks, but who cares? Feels too good. There’s this trick—little known, mind—where they use hot stones. HOT STONES! Pop ‘em on your back, and it’s like dragons breathing on ya. Had it once, nearly leapt off the table—shocked me stupid, but damn, it worked. Tension gone, poof, like I’d torched it myself.

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But then, I spot this cool little school of fish. They’re dartin’ around, and I’m like, “Okay, this is dope.” I forget about the tire for a sec. Just me and the fish, vibin’. But then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud noise. It’s a boat! A freakin’ boat zoomin’ by! I’m thinkin’, “Dude, chill! I’m tryin’ to enjoy nature here!”

Man critically injured after suspected stabbing in West Auckland