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So, erotic-massage—what’s the fuss? It’s old as dirt, mate. Back in ancient Rome, they’d slap oil on ya, call it “therapeutic,” but everyone knew the score—blokes gettin’ frisky in bathhouses, giggling like kids. Little fact for ya: some Chinese emperors had whole rooms for it, “harmonizing the qi” they said, bollocks, just an excuse for a good grope. Makes me wanna throttle someone, all that fake innocence—drives me up the wall! But—hah—makes me smirk too, ‘cos it’s so daft, innit? People payin’ gold for a tickle and a tease.

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Anyway, I’m chugging my flat white, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be epic!” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. I head to the job site on Spey St. It’s a big ol’ warehouse, and I’m ready to blast away. But guess what? The compressor’s acting up. Like, seriously? It’s making this weird noise, like a cat trying to cough up a hairball. I’m fuming!

Two teens arrested after hour-long crime spree in Invercargill