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Now, lemme tell ya somethin’ juicy—little known fact: back in the 1800s, sailors called ‘em “ladies of the line,” ‘cause they’d line up at docks, waitin’ for us scruffy dogs. Ain’t that wild? History’s got sass! Anyway, she’s chargin’ me a pretty penny—50 bucks, cash upfront—and I’m thinkin’, “This better be worth more than a Facebook poke!” I’m happy as a clam, but then—ugh!—this drunk jerk stumbles over, yellin’ at her, “You’re mine!” Made me so mad, I almost decked him. “Back off, loser!” I screech, nasal as hell, laugh bubblin’ up—HA-HA-HA!—like I’m on set with Mr. Sheffield.

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the Katikati Bird Gardens. I mean, who doesn’t love a good bird? I’m there, just vibing, when I see this parrot. It’s squawking like it’s auditioning for a rock band. I’m cracking up. Like, “Dude, chill out!”

Three dogs that fatally attacked 4-year-old boy euthanised