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About Napier

Oi, you donkey! Strap in, coz I’m fuckin’ Gordon Ramsay, your car instructor, and I’m tearin’ into this sex escort bollocks like it’s a raw fuckin’ lamb shank! Right, sex escorts – these birds or blokes you pay to shag, yeah? Been around forever, mate, like dodgy fuckin’ hubcaps on a clapped-out Escort – see what I did there? Hah! Anyway, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout that flick, *The Master*, right? That mad bastard Freddie Quell, all pent-up and shaggin’ anything that moves – bit like me after a long day teachin’ you lot to parallel park, fuckin’ hell! “There’s a cycle, like life,” he’d say, and ain’t that the truth with escorts? Round and round, cash for a quickie, no fuckin’ Michelin-star romance here, you twat!

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Finally, I get to the waterfront. The view? Stunning! But then I see this seagull. This dude swoops down and snatches my lunch right outta my hands! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I mean, who knew seagulls were so bold? I’m pretty sure I yelled something like, “Hey! That’s my sandwich, ya punk!” But he just flew off, smug as ever.

'Potential risk': Old landfill to be cleared near Milford Sound