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I tried it once, real talk. This chick in Moscow, hands like a goddamn wizard. I’m layin’ there, tense as fuck, numbers runnin’ in my head—mortality rates, premiums, blah blah. She starts, and I’m like, “Oh shit, this is it!” Happy as hell, but also pissed—why ain’t this normal? Why’s it gotta cost me a stack? Surprised me how quick I melted, tho. Like, 10 minutes in, I’m Freddie Quell, mumblin’, “I’m a man, I’m a man.” Nah, I’m a puddle, bruh.

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But then, the mood shifted. I overheard some folks arguing nearby. Apparently, someone’s dog pooped on the grass, and the owner didn’t clean it up. Like, come on, people! It’s not that hard! I was getting all riled up, thinking about how I’d handle it if I were the dog owner. “Pick it up, or I’ll unleash my inner Saver on you!”

Canada's Parkland launches strategic review to consider sale of company