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Oh, and get this—some escorts got codenames, like spies! Saw this one chick online, called herself “Vixen,” had a whole backstory. Prolly fake, but damn, that’s cool as hell. Reminds me of Mia again, y’know, “I’m hard as nails,” she’d say, struttin’ like she owns the joint. Escorts do that too—fake it ‘til they make it. Makes me laugh, thinkin’ they’re out there, livin’ wild, while I’m stuck eatin’ cheesy poofs.

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First off, I grab my guitar, of course. It’s my baby, my soulmate, you know? I head out to the local café on the corner of Parnell and St. Stephen’s Ave. They’ve got the best flat whites. I mean, I could swim in that stuff. So, I’m sittin’ there, strummin’ a few chords, and this dude walks in. Total hipster, man bun and all. He orders some fancy drink and plops down next to me.

Statement From Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell Announcing the Consolidation of Force