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Oh, and fun fact—ancient Rome, they had these oily massage orgies, proper naughty. Senators getting rubbed down, plotting Caesar’s end—imagine that, togas optional! Makes me smirk, thinking some posh git’s like, “More oil, slave, my back’s knackered from stabbing mates.” Classic.

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After that, I head over to the Porirua City Centre. I’m thinking, “Let’s do some shopping.” I hit up the mall, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew everyone and their dog would be there? I’m dodging prams and old ladies like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. Finally, I find a cool shop on the second floor. They’ve got these funky tees. I grab one that says, “I survived Porirua traffic.” So true, right?

Iwi-owned seafood processing factory opens in Porirua