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Then there’s the thrill, cor blimey! Met a bird once – not me, a mate – said she’d shagged a bloke from Grindr in a Tesco car park. Tesco! “It’s not too late,” she reckoned, divin’ in. Wild, impulsive, like Otilia runnin’ round Bucharest. Sex-dating’s got that edge – quick, dirty, no faff. Gets the blood pumpin’, doesn’t it? Bit jealous, maybe – me, stuck with paperwork, not passion.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Lyttelton Ave. You know, the one with the best flat whites? Yeah, that one. I order my usual, and the barista, bless her soul, spills half of it on the counter. I’m like, “Great start, mate!” But she’s super apologetic, gives me a free muffin. Sweet, right? But I’m still kinda salty about the coffee.

Hospital rejecting Porirua patients based on BMI, GPs say