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An’ don’t get me started on them dick pics! *screeches* Nasty, nasty hobbitses sendin’ ‘em! Like, mate, I don’t wanna see yer “magic flute” – keep it in yer pants! Reminds me o’ that line – “The world’s a cruel place.” Too right, Del Toro, too right! Sex-dating’s fun ‘til it ain’t – then it’s a bloody labyrinth, twistin’ ya up.

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Then, outta nowhere, this guy comes in. He’s got a backpack that looks like it’s been through a war zone. Seriously, it’s all torn up. He’s like, “Hey mate, do you have any maps?” I’m like, “Maps? You mean Google?” But I grab one from the rack anyway. Turns out he’s a hiker, just got back from some epic trek up Ben Lomond. I’m like, “Dude, you’re nuts! That climb is brutal!” But he’s all smiles, like he just conquered Everest or something.

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