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So, sex-dating—man, it’s a jungle out there. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, grindin’ folks down to pics and cheesy bios. “Every stone in the water makes ripples,” like the monk says in the movie, and every swipe’s a ripple, right? You’re fishin’ for a quick bang or maybe somethin’ deeper, but half the time, you’re just drownin’ in thirst traps. I’ve seen it—dudes posin’ with fish, chicks with filters so thick you don’t recogniize ‘em IRL. Makes me laugh, but damn, it’s sad too. Back in my day, you had to talk, flirt, sweat a lil—now it’s all “DTF?” and ghostin’. Progress? Nah, fam, it’s lazy.

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As the day goes on, I see more craziness. A guy in a tutu running down Hinemoa Street. A couple arguing over who gets the last meat pie at the bakery. And don’t even get me started on the tourists trying to figure out the bus system. It’s like watching a live-action comedy show.

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