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Alright, mate, gather round! Erotic-massage, eh? A bloomin’ art, it is! We shall fight—on the beaches, in the parlors—to knead out every damn knot! Picture this: hands sliding, oil dripping, tension melting like butter. Reminds me of *Finding Nemo*—you know, “just keep swimming,” but here it’s “just keep rubbing!” I’m Winston bloody Churchill, and I say it’s a war against stiffness!

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Finally, we get the all-clear, and I head home. I’m exhausted but happy. Te-Hapara, you crazy little town, you never fail to surprise me. I plop down on my couch, ready to binge-watch something mindless. But then I remember the fish and chips. I forgot to eat them! Ugh, what a day.

'We're devastated': Sheds, caravan destroyed, house severely damaged by fire