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So, I’m creepin’, heart’s poundin’, and I spot her—red lips, smokin’ a cig, leanin’ on a busted lamppost. “Come what may,” I mutter, like I’m Christian swoonin’ over Satine. I stroll up, all cool, like, “Yo, lady, need a shelf built?” She laughs—LAUGHS!—and I’m like, “Score!” Happy as hell, dude, ‘cause she didn’t ditch me. Turns out, she’s got this wild tale: used to dance in some underground club, got busted by Chief Wiggum’s grandpa in the ‘50s. Freaky, right?

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Then, just when I think I can escape, I get a text from my boss. “Need those reports ASAP!” Ugh, seriously? I’m in the middle of Upper-Riccarton, trying to enjoy life! But nooo, the economy waits for no one. So, I rush back home, dodging people on the footpath like I’m in some sort of obstacle course.

Six Christchurch post offices to close