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Heard this story – guy matched a girl, total babe. sextin’ for weeks, all hot n’ heavy. Meets her – it’s his cousin. COUSIN. Galaxy’s fucked up, man. “I can’t stop thinking about her,” Theodore whined. Me? I’d burn the app down. Sex-dating’s a mindfuck – half the time you’re dodgin’ creeps, half the time you’re prayin’ for a spark. I’m tellin’ ya, kid – it’s the Force, but horny. And messy. So damn messy. *heavy breathing* I am your father – and I’ve seen it all.

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the lakefront. Lake Wanaka is just stunning, man. The water was like glass, reflecting the mountains. I’m standing there, taking it all in, when I see this family trying to take a selfie. They’re all huddled together, and the dad’s holding the camera way too high. I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna drop it!” And guess what? He drops it! Cracked screen and all. I couldn’t help but laugh. Sorry, not sorry!

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