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Oh, and the oil—slippery as hell! Last time, I’m slidin’ off the table, lookin’ like a greased pig. “I’m not designed for this!”—straight outta A.I., Gigolo Joe vibes! Hilarious, but messy—hated that part. Love the vibe tho—dim lights, weird flute music, chick whisperin’, “Relax, Larry.” I’m like, “Relax? I’m half-naked, lady!” Total mind-trip, but damn, it works—stress gone, poof! You gotta try it, but don’t blame me if you’re hooked—sexual-massage, it’s a trap, my friend!

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Finally, the meeting starts, and it’s all about preserving local history. I’m in my element, throwing out ideas, feeling all passionate. But then, someone suggests we digitize everything. I’m like, “No way! You can’t just throw history into a computer!” I mean, come on! There’s something about holding a piece of paper that just hits different.

Whakatāne marks fifth anniversary of Whakaari White Island eruption