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Oh, and once – true story – my pal Joey tried givin’ his girl a “sensual rub.” Burned her with hot oil, she screamed, he cried – funniest shit ever. “You’re so beautiful,” Georges says in the movie, and I’m like, Joey, ya clown, that ain’t it! Sexual-massage needs skill, not chaos. Surprised me how bad he botched it – still laugh thinkin’ bout it.

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So, I’m walkin’ down to the beach, tryin’ to shake off the coffee disaster. The view at Buffalo Beach is just insane, tho. The water was glistening, and I thought, “Okay, maybe today won’t be so bad.” But then I saw a seagull swoop down and steal someone’s fish and chips. I mean, come on! That bird was like a ninja! I laughed so hard, I almost forgot about my shirt. Almost.

'Devastating' influenza outbreak hits Whitianga - six dead