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Now, tie this to my fave flick—“Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives.” Deep shit, man! Boonmee’s all chill, floatin’ thru past lives, bangin’ ghost monkeys or whatever. Sex-dating’s like that—ya never know who yer screwin’, past-life style! “I am reborn many times,” he says, and I’m like, hell yeah, every hookup’s a new me! Respect my authoritah—I see crap others don’t! Like, is this chick a reincarnated catfish? Fuuuuck!

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But then, I remember I left my phone on the counter. Ugh! I sprint back, and guess what? The parrot is still there, now perched on the register. I’m like, “Dude, you can’t just hang out here!” The owner laughs, and I’m like, “You’re lucky I’m too tired to care.”

Queenstown Lakes District Council told to stop discharging treated wastewater to land