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Aye! Respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, bitches, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout escorts today! Ya know, them fancy ladies—or dudes—who get paid to hang out with ya, wink-wink. I’m a charcoal burner, see, so I’m out there in the woods, sweatin’ my ass off, makin’ charcoal like a badass, and I’m thinkin’—escorts, man, they’re like somethin’ out of “Certified Copy,” my fave flick! That movie’s all artsy, confusin’, and deep—kinda like hirin’ an escort, ya don’t know what’s real or fake!

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Later, I’m back on the river, and the sun’s setting. It’s beautiful, like a painting. But then, I see this family trying to take a selfie. They’re all crowded on the edge of the raft, and I’m like, “Guys, be careful!” But they’re too busy posing. Next thing I know, they’re all in the water! I can’t stop laughing. They’re splashing around, and I’m just sittin’ there, shaking my head.

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