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I tried it once—Trump don’t mess around! These apps, Tinder, Bumble—phenomenal, but sneaky. You think you’re gettin’ a 10, but bam—“The sword remains elusive!” Catfish city, folks! I was pissed—total scam, fake pics, liars everywhere. But when it works? Oh man, tremendous—best hookups ever! Like, “Feel my strength, yield to me”—you’re the tiger, they’re purring, it’s perfect.

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So, we get there, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew everyone and their grandma would be at the spa on a Tuesday? We finally find a spot, and I’m ready to relax. But then, this lady next to me starts talking about her cat’s diet. I’m like, “Lady, I’m trying to zen out here!” But she just kept going. I swear, I learned more about cat food than I ever wanted to know.

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