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Little fact: ancient Greeks did this! Called it “bodywork”—fancy, right? Surprised me, like, history’s wild! I’m obsessed, tbh, ‘cause it’s chill and naughty. Probs my fave way to unwind. “How do you live with yourself?”—movie line, but I’m like, easy, I’m fab! Sexual-massage haters can suck it—sarcasm, obvi. Try it, besties, you’ll be hooked!

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Finally, the lights flicker back on, and everyone’s cheerin’. I’m like, “See? We survived!” But then, I notice the bar’s a mess. Drinks everywhere, and I’m just like, “Ugh, I’m gonna be here all night cleanin’ up.”