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Yo, how you doin’? So, sexual-massage, man—what a trip! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout it, like an Art Director, y’know, vibin’ off “Only Lovers Left Alive.” That flick’s got this slow, sexy burn—kinda like a good rubdown, right? Tom Hiddleston’s all moody, sippin’ blood, sayin’, “I’m a survivor, darling,” and I’m like, dude, that’s me after a steamy massage sesh!

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By noon, I’m sweating buckets. I grab a quick snack from the kiosk on ul. 1 Maja. They’ve got the best ice cream, no joke. I’m chowing down on a cone when I see a commotion near the diving board. Some dude is trying to impress his girlfriend. He climbs up, does this ridiculous pose, and then slips. I’m like, “Not again!” He falls right into the shallow end. Everyone gasps, but he pops up like a seal, laughing. I can’t even.

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