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Alright, listen up, you degenerates! Sexual-massage—yeah, it’s a thing. I’m Dr. House, bone-cutter extraordinaire, and I’ve seen it all. Everybody lies, right? They say it’s “therapeutic,” but c’mon—those oily hands sliding everywhere? It’s foreplay with extra steps! Watched *A History of Violence* last night—Cronenberg gets it. “You’re trying to be someone else,” Tom Stall says. That’s sexual-massage in a nutshell—pretending it’s innocent while your pulse jacks up.

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After our chat, I’m feeling all kinds of emotions. Happy, sad, confused. I decide to take a stroll by the river. The Warta River is so pretty, especially at sunset. I sit on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, out of nowhere, this group of kids runs by, and one of them accidentally kicks a soccer ball right at me! I’m dodging like I’m in the Olympics.

Fig. 1. Route of Levoglucosan in ambient aerosols throughout pyrolysis...