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Oh, and the profiles—pure comedy! “I’m 6’2” if you’re rich”—savage. Or “no hookups,” yet here we are, genius! Sex-dating’s a circus, man—clowns, lions, all horny. My tip? Play it loose, don’t overthink. Like Llewyn, roll with the punches—bedroom or bust. Greed is good, pal—grab what’s yours!

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After that, I decide to hit up the park by the river. It’s usually my happy place. But today? Nah. There’s a bunch of kids screaming, running around like they’re on a sugar high. I’m trying to relax, but it’s like a mini war zone. I sit on a bench, and this kid runs by, nearly knocks my coffee outta my hand. I’m like, “Chill, kid! It’s not a race!”

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