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But here’s the rub – some pillock tried racin’ me in a souped-up Escort once. Smug git, thought he’s the dog’s bollocks. I’m like, “Mate, yer suspension’s knackered, cool it!” He didn’t, crashed – what a plonker! Made me proper cross, but I laughed after – “life’s too short,” as Yang’d say. Still, Escort’s a beaut, reliable as a good shag.

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First stop, I’m at the market on ul. Główna. You know, the one with all the fresh veggies and stuff? I’m just minding my own biz, trying to grab some tomatoes, when this old lady starts yelling at me. Like, seriously? I’m just trying to pick out a ripe one! Turns out, she thought I was in her way. I mean, c’mon, lady! I’m not blocking the whole street!

Poland reports two more deaths in central Europe floods