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It’s intimate, sure, but funny too – imagine some prat slippin’ off the table, oil everywhere, like a cartoon! I’d laugh ‘til I choked, then growl, “Get up, soldier, victory awaits!” Personal quirk? I’d demand cigars mid-massage – why not? Exaggeratin’ a bit, I’d say it’s better than sex, booze, and a good scrap combined – total bollocks, but it’s my story! We shall fight the stiffness, we shall fight the awkward silences – ‘til yer body’s a battlefield of bliss! That’s erotic-massage, mate – messy, mad, and bloody brilliant.

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First off, I hit up this café on Słowackiego. Best coffee ever! I’m talking about that strong stuff that hits you like a freight train. I order my usual – a double espresso. The barista, this cool dude, gives me a nod like he knows I need it. I’m like, “Yeah, man, I’m running on fumes here.”

University of Tennessee violin performance student Marki Lukyniuk performs Rocky Top