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I tried it once, right? Mate set up candles, oil smelled like a bloody forest—surprised me how intense it got. “My body is a cage,” like the movie says, but that massage? Broke the bars wide open! Tingles everywhere, like fixin’ a radio and hittin’ the perfect frequency. Ever feel that? Probs not, most blokes rush it—YOU SHALL NOT PASS if ya half-arse it! Gotta linger, tease, make ‘em beg for it.

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First off, I head out to ul. Astronautów. I’m just minding my own business, when BAM! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Like, really? I’m a watchmaker, not a pigeon target! I swear, that bird had it out for me. I’m standing there, trying to wipe it off, and this old lady walks by. She just cackles. I mean, c’mon, lady! Have some sympathy!

Bus and tram timetables at Christmas