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Hey girlfriend, it’s Oprah here! Lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, honey—ooh, it’s a trip! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout how it’s all touchy-feely, but deep, ya know? Like, “How happy I would be with this memory gone!”—that’s what I’m quotin from my fave, *Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind*. Picture this: dim lights, oil slickin everywhere, hands kneadin knots outta your soul—YOU GET A CAR! Naw, just kiddin, you get a RELEASE, chile! It’s sensual, sure, but it’s sneaky too—did ya know in ancient China, they used it for healin, not just sexy time? Blows my damn mind!

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The crowd was wild! I mean, they were all hyped up. I started my dance, and it was like magic. Everyone was clapping, and I felt like a queen. But then, mid-performance, my obi (that fancy belt thing) decides to loosen. I’m like, “No, no, no!” I’m trying to dance and fix it at the same time. Talk about multitasking!

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