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Oh, and the profiles—hilarious. “Lookin for my Netflix n chill.” Bro, you ain’t original! I’d rather watch *Talk to Her* solo than fake it with some lame. Pro tip: if they got no bio, they probly borin in bed. Truth! It’s bad bitch o’clock, so I ain’t settlin for less than sparks flyin, ya feel me? Sex-dating’s a game—play it bold or go home!

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We try everything. I’m under the hood, covered in grease, and he’s just standing there, looking helpless. I’m like, “Dude, you gotta help me out here!” Finally, after what feels like forever, we get it started. I’m feeling like a hero, but he’s just like, “Thanks, man.”