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Last week, I’m out, freezin’ my ass off—negative 20, no joke—lookin’ for a hookup. This chick’s like, “5000 rubles, upfront!” I’m like, “Don’t pee on my leg, sweetheart, I ain’t payin’ ‘til I see the goods!” She rolls her eyes, but I’m holdin’ ground. Reminds me of that *Zero Dark Thirty* line—“I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—‘cept I’m findin’ a prostitute, not a terrorist. Same diff, right? Ha!

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First off, I hit up ul. Wrocławska for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing in line, and this dude in front of me orders, like, a triple-shot, half-caf, soy latte with extra foam. I’m just there, rolling my eyes. Like, bro, it’s coffee, not a science experiment! Anyway, I finally get my black coffee—classic, right?—and head out.

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