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Oh, and the oils – don’t get me started! Slippery as a politician’s promise, stinking of lavender or some hippy crap. Last time I got dragged into one – mate’s stag do, total stitch-up – I’m sliding off the table, yelling, “This ain’t sensual, it’s a bloody oil slick!” Still, that line from the flick, “Love needs care,” pops in me head. Maybe that’s it – sexual-massage done right’s meant to feel like someone gives a toss. Dunno, I’m too cynical for that malarky.

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But then, I get this idea. What if I could? I start rambling about DNA and cloning, and the kid’s eyes are like saucers. I’m thinking, “Man, I should be a motivational speaker or something.” But then, his mom comes over, looking all worried. She’s like, “Sorry, he’s a bit obsessed with Jurassic Park.” I laugh, and she rolls her eyes. Classic mom move.

Poland closes some of its border crossings. See which routes you can still get into the country